by Amina Pleasant, Age 15
I take a deep breath before entering the crowded room. I push open the doors and immediately regret it. Scanning the room, I feel a pang in my chest. There are so many unfamiliar people. Oh, what I would do to see a familiar face. I take small, short steps into the room, avoiding eye contact with everyone possible, but I can’t help but feel like all eyes are on me: staring into my soul, watching and judging my every move. From the corner of my eye, I see someone wave to me. Out of politeness, I force a smile and wave back. Thump, thump, thump. My heart starts to beat faster. I feel my mind going into a state of panic. Why is everyone staring at me? I wish so badly that I could go unnoticed. It is then that I become aware of the loud chatter that is surrounding me. Why is everyone talking so loud? Feeling my stomach start to turn, I walk a bit faster. My eyes dart rapidly across the room, trying to find the nearest bathroom. My chest starts to feel tight, constricting and limiting my breathing. Spotting a restroom sign, I walk faster, gasping for air. My head starts pounding and I wince. Thump, thump, thump. Feeling dizzy, I start to sweat as I break into a light jog. Why is this room so big? The room feels like it’s spinning. Why do I feel like I'm going in a never-ending loop?
My stomach starts to turn as I finally reach the bathroom doors. Pushing them open, I nearly slam the doors behind me and drop to the floor. Water. I need water. I pull my bag from under me and unzip it. Rummaging around it for a couple of seconds, I grasp a water bottle and pull it out of my bag. I put the cap to my teeth and unscrew it, quickly putting the bottle to my mouth and downing it. Throwing the bottle in the trash can conveniently next to me, I squeeze my eyes shut and try to calm my breathing. Deep breaths, Amina. You can do this. As I breathe deeply, allowing more oxygen into my lungs, I feel my headache starting to subside. My stomach
calms, my heartbeat slows and grows quieter, and I'm beginning to feel better now.
I rise from the floor and let out a sigh of relief. Exiting my stall, I quickly head towards the sink, turning the cold water on. I let it run for a couple of seconds and then gather some in my hands and splash it on my face. I take a few more deep breaths in between splashes, the cold easing my nerves. I dry my face with a paper towel and look at myself in the mirror. My face is flushed red, and my eyes droopy and tired. I look so messy and disheveled. How am I going to go back out there looking like this? Can I even bear going back out there? I pull out my phone. Opening my mom’s contact, I shoot her a text: “Hey, can you pick me up?” She answers almost immediately. “On my way.” I smile and tuck my phone away, waiting patiently by the sink until my mom arrives. After waiting for what felt like hours, I feel a quick buzzing coming from my
bag, and I check my phone to see that my mom is outside. I shut my eyes, take a deep breath, and try my hardest to mentally prepare myself to walk back out those doors. Bracing myself, I push the bathroom doors open and make a beeline toward the exit. I look down to block out any voices or judging faces, only looking up to watch where I'm going. I push open the main entrance doors and practically run to my mom’s car. I hug my mom tightly and lean back in my seat, feeling myself drift away into a deep slumber.
I have very severe anxiety and moderate depression. I've been suffering from these since I was 12 years old, and I am now turning 16 in August. Over the years, I've struggled so hard to manage and deal with my mental conditions. The pandemic has only worsened this for me. It has affected the way I learn, my everyday activities, my relationships, and my physical health as well. I've tried so many apps and done so much research, but nothing seemed to work for me. This made me realize that there is no “cure” to anxiety or depression. You simply learn to live with it and do whatever you can to make it easier to deal with. Luckily for me, my mom is very understanding, and I was able to talk with her about my issues. Not everyone is lucky enough to have the luxury of a supportive parent.
I am now enrolled in therapy, have downloaded many mindfulness apps, and have a digital journal where I'm able to vent. In this journal, I also record my panic attacks or depressive episodes and what I believe they stemmed from. To everyone who is reading this, mental health is real. It is real and present in so many individuals, even the ones that you would least expect. To all of the teens who are struggling just like I am, remember that you are not alone. You are cared for and you are loved. Your mental health is valid, your struggles are valid, and YOU are valid. Things will get better, I promise. Be kind to yourself and be kind to your mind. Life is a rocky road filled with ups and downs. However, you must never give up, no matter how tempting it may seem. Just like Roger Lee once said, “Life is about balance. Trust that for every dark path you encounter, a better and brighter one is coming next.
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Congratulations to Amina for winning THIRD PLACE in the Written/Audio Category of the 2022 Share Your Story Multimedia Contest!
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