by Anonymous Writer, Age 14
Growing up I had the strong desire to live the American dream with the white picket fence and the typical happy childhood. I would daydream about me and my friends playing on the playground and giggling about odd topics. It all came crashing down around 2nd grade when I was experiencing these odd movements. The outward jerks of my arms and legs while I was sitting at my desk, trying to do my schoolwork was quite distracting. I would sometimes kick the end of my desk, making a loud boom in the middle of class, drawing all the attention to me. I was so scared of being the center of attention that I would shrink down in my chair wishing I didn’t exist. Little me couldn’t even talk to anyone due to this fear of people staring at her. I would develop a pit in my stomach, feeling like my organs were tied into knots whenever I talked to new people or was stared at.
As time went on the feeling in my stomach stayed the same but these movements got worse. I would yelp and holler in my room, unable to control it while hitting my stomach nonstop. I’ve learned that I have Tourette’s Syndrome and these are called motor and vocal tics and they won’t go away. The amount of tears I’ve shed knowing that my tics aren’t going to go away is comparable to the size of Lake Michigan. The looks I get in class are wildly uncomfortable and lowers my mood every time I catch them. I always know they’re looking at me though, it’s like paparazzi following me everywhere I go. Every jerk I do, every punch I take, there always is a person there to look at me.
I remember one time in middle school when I was rolling my eyes in the back of my head as one of my tics and a teacher thought I was rolling my eyes at them. They yelled at me in front of everyone. It’s a common mistake but knowing that I can’t control myself, I cried the rest of the school day. Sometimes you just have to cry though, let it all out.
My anxiety and Tourettes have gotten so bad that it’s difficult to even leave the house sometimes. I recently got a job as a swim instructor and I was so excited for it until the training came. As the employer was explaining the ideal candidate, I began thinking, “What if I’m not good enough?”
The fear of not being good enough consumes me whole and I can never escape it. As soon as the thoughts kicked in and I started thinking about how the kids would react to my Tourettes, I had a panic attack. I had to leave and the next day I couldn’t even go to work, I was so scared I was glued to my bed. I ended up quitting before even starting the job. Even while writing this, I’m asking myself, “What if I’m not good enough?”
The fear of being watched and judged with a visible disorder makes life very difficult. You want to blend in but while you are, you happen to make that one odd movement you can’t control. You have to learn how to stand out and it’s super tiring and draining for your mental health. Life is trial and error and we’ve just got to keep on trying until we get it right.
______________________
Congratulations to "American Dream" for being selected as a FINALIST in the 2022 Share Your Story Multimedia Contest!
Comments